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Club Tropicana

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…well, actually Club World but the drinks are still free so who cares. I have no idea what I did to earn an upgrade but whoopedy doop anyway.

As you can see there are worse places to waste 10 hours. I'll probably have swan for lunch then ask the trolley dolly to wash my feet or something.

Having got the car to Heathrow Mall 5 (a shopping centre with a few planes) and done all the check-in and security malarky I can now enjoy the lull before the storm. They say that no plan survives first contact with the enemy so no doubt it will all start to go fruit shaped in Seattle.

Still for now I'll just enjoy the amenities. Later I might go downstairs and flick olives at the riff-raff.

Oh yes, I checked in behind Ben Fogle. Little twerp.



Red Red Wine

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I will confess to a moment of boredom.  As Alan will know, I am not adverse to an occassioanl tasty fermented beveridge after a long day’s cycling.  He will also tell you that my efforts to strap a six pack to an already heavily laden bike are sometimes precarious to say the least. 
Wouldn’t it be cool, I thought, if you could adapt your bike to properly carry a refreshing libation. 
Well of course, there is nothing left to invent as the following photos prove:

All of these are very clever of course, but demonstrate the lack of really BIG thinking that always limits mankind’s progress to the very frontiers of science.  Now THIS is more like it:


PS The author advocates responsible drinking! 

Pack Up Your Troubles

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4 days until we leave!  I love a bit of pre-trip planning (almost as much as Alan likes a bit of pre-trip loosing his tent) but this time it has all been a bit of a headache.  As well as Alan and I, we have 13 paying guests – 1 is riding as far as San Fran and 3 are joining in San Fran to ride the last third.  The other 9 are in for the whole trip.  4 of us are camping and the rest are staying in hotels. 

The route planning and booking of vehicles, campgrounds, hotels etc has been in progress since January – hopefully the things I have forgotten will be minor and easily remedied in Merica. 

As a man who likes to travel light I have a bewildering amount of stuff to take – in addition to this lot there is a bike box crammed with bike, camping gear and assorted other crap.

I fly out with the first 3 guests on Thursday while Alan follows on Friday with 4 more.  The rest arrive on Saturday and will have the pleasure of starting a 1650 mile ride with serious jet lag. 

We are starting in Port Townsend, WA so fly into Seattle then have to transfer almost 100 miles by car.  I have worked out that between my arrival and everyone being in Port Townsend for the start I have to do the round trip 5 times in order to transfer the people, bags and bikes.  Yup, 1000 miles before we even get going 🙁

Our route is laughably simple………follow Highway 101 south to San Francisco when it becomes Highway 1 and just keep going until you come to men with droopy moustaches eating tacos.  In practise it gets a bit trickier but we will be following Adventure Cycling association maps of the kind that got us across Merica in 2009 without too many mishaps.  Our timetable is pretty relaxed by Grumpy Old Men standards with an average of 65 miles per day and 2 rest days.  Alan is very happy about this and I am also coming around to the opinion that 100 mile days are best left to the kids.  Alan will be sweeping (technical term meaning riding at the back making sure nobody gets left behind) but I hope to ride as much a possible – probably riding out for the first 10 miles then returning to the support vehicle* and driving to the destination then riding 10 miles back upstream to meet them at the end of the day. 

*Our support veeeeeehicle will be a seven seater minivan which should have a 4 litre engine so will be fully compliant with US legislation requiring the worst possible fuel economy.  Just to be on the safe side we will strap a couple of bike racks and a luggage box to the roof….that should do it.

I am going to recheck everything now…..Alan is probably going to send off his passport application 😉


Go West – Return of the Grumpy Old Men

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Some of you may remember that, in 2006, the GOM rode the Pacific Coast Highway from San Francisco to the Mexican border.  This was a very nice trip but, of course, the bar has been set considerably higher in recent years so it is time to go back and do it properly.

Sadly I am now saddled (ha ha ha ….saddled….get it?) with the responsibility of running a cycling holiday business (www.bikeadventures.co.uk) so this trip will actually be a commercial venture with myself as support and Alan riding sweeper.  I will take my bike and hope to get some riding done too so I thought I would blog the journey anyway. 

A group of 12 of us will be starting in Seattle on 15th Sepetember and riding the 1650 miles from Canadian to Mexican borders over a period of 4 weeks.  In order to keep myself out of the courts the identity of the customers will not be revealled and I will be diplomatically vague about their specific exploits.  Alan, on the other hand, enjoys no such protection and you will get the full gory details.

As hinted at by the title of this entry we will be back to song titles for the daily update….so watch this space.


PS The nice people as www.holidayphone.co.uk have promised me an extra two hours of talk time if I plug their overseas sim cards so consider it plugged.  If they don’t come up with the minutes there will be slander, libel, words you never heard in the bible…..see the songs have started already!

The Italian Job – Director’s Cut

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Yes, the lazy option – reissue an old movie with extra content (the stuff that wasn’t good enough for the original).  After much queuing we eventually got our flight home and our fantastic bike boxes survived in-tact.  The taxi was waiting for us and we were tucked up in our beds by about 2am.  Sadly we both had to work today so the sleep was all too short.

So, Italy…….a seriously lovely country with a fantastic climate and mostly nice people. Too much litter, scary driving in cities, expensive restaurants, but never-the-less a great place to visit. We did about 830 miles in total and, although there were pretty challenging days, overall its was not too demanding. The bikes mostly behaved: Alan broke a spoke and I broke a rack but we didn’t get a single puncture. Our bodies also behaved, with no serious ailments and we have come home fitter, browner and lighter than we left. To do proper camping you would have to travel earlier in the year but the heat would be prohibitive, travel any later and even hotels are likely to be shut so I think we got it about right.

If I had to pick one highlight it would be the plumet to Amalfi on the most spectacular roads I believe it is possible to find.

But it was all good.  Despite the title of this blog site we are seldom grumpy when on the road; somethimes tired, often challenged by unfamiliar surroundings but always thinking about where to go next; and that is something we have a few ideas on!


Dumb and Dumber

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Our hotel last night set a new record low for the quality of it's breakfast – a coffee and a stale pastry. Based on our experience of the rest of the hotel this wasn't a total surprise.

Still, it meant we were on the road super early and, with only 66 to do, it was clear we would finish very early. It was a bit odd riding with the sea on the left after 750 miles with it on the right but otherwise there wasn't much to distinguish mainland Italy from Sicily. We did glimpse Etna but the summit was lost in cloud of steam or some such.

Coming down a decent hill I deployed my emergency braking system. This is also known as my rack and panniers. A clamp had sheared, allowing the whole thing to rotate around the wheel until it dragged along the ground. After changing my shorts we managed to bodge it using cable ties and this just about held.

We got into Catania around 2pm and then the fun began. First we had to scour the wheelie bins for cardboard, then we had to try and fashion our pickings into serviceable bike boxes. I imagine all this was passably entertaining for anyone watching but it was hot, fiddly, and mostly ineffective work. The results looked ok but any attempt to actually pick the damn things up and they sagged like saggy things.

After 2 hours we had done the best we could and used all our packing tape and the results were still pants. So now all we had to do was call a taxi big enough to take us and the boxes to the airport and get it to go via a hardware shop for more tape. When I claimed we were now fluent in Italian it is possible I exaggerated a bit. Once we had explained it was a book, three words and the first word was 'The' we realised that even charades wasn't going to solve things.

Somehow we got tape and a ride to the airport but the driver took €30 from us for being a pain in the arse. If you think the box looks pants now you should have seen it 2 hours ago!

We are now killing the 3 hours until check-in trying to avoid the chatty Brit standing next to us. He is wearing a bush hat and multi-pocketed khaki trousers and clearly thinks he is some sort of intrepid explorer. We think he is some sort of pratt.

Back to blighty soon.



The Godfather

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We are in Sicily, what other movie was I going to use?

We made good time today despite the fact that the wop civil engineers ran out of money, dynamite or maybe just interest. There is a ritzy motorway that parallels SS18 and this has all the fancy tunnels and viaducts while we made do with good old-fashioned switchbacks. Two pretty cheeky 6-7 mile climbs kept us working all day but we reached Villa San Giovanni with about 75 on the clock at 3:40 so rather than find a hotel we hopped on the ferry to Messina.

We are in a budget hotel near the port but it isn't quite as classy as it sounds! Actually it is ok and the beds are gratifyingly free of horses heads. I am typing this with my cheeks stuffed with cotton wool but I am not sure that you are getting the full effect…..trust me, I sound JUST like Marlon Brando.

Thanks to our heroic efforts we now have an easy day tomorrow. 66 miles to Catania then the fun of getting the bikes boxed (actually first we have to find suitable boxes) and then finding a taxi big enough to get them and us to the airport. Good job we are fluent in Italian now!


The Poseidon Adventure

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Well, we made it to the toe and I am on the poop deck waiting to set sail for Sicily. Full report when we get into Messina and have found a hotel and a cold beer. But first…that poop.


Easy Rider

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To the people of Italy who conceived, funded and built SS18……we salute you.

Until today the roads have been servant to the geography of the coast line resulting in all that climbing. Today the civil engineers put an end to all that and threw serious money at the problem. For miles and miles the road was almost entirely tunnels and bridges – and gloriously flat. The longest tunnel was 1.25km and some of the bridges crossed hundreds of feet above the ravines.

All of this was VERY welcome because we were totally knackered this morning. Last night we were too tired to even find a restaurant so we had self-assembly sandwiches and tried to work out if we could swing a small kitten by moving the wardrobe. The answer was no. We slept like the dead but woke not really refreshed and as we started riding even the slightest slope slowed us almost to a standstill.

We perked up a bit later in the day and did our 80 with only a little snivelling. We are now about at the bottom of the lace holes and tomorrow we aim to get to the end of the big toe where we will stay before catching the ferry to Sicily and the last leg (well, the last BIT of the leg).

My face is very brown but my eye sockets are very white. I look like Chi Chi in negative.


The Incredibles

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No not us, the hills. Today was VERY hard work. Apart from the first 5 miles we have been on hills all day. This part of the coast is very pretty but a bonkers place for old men on heavy bikes to try and cycle.

The completely mad vertical climb this morning (see previous blog) was the 'high spot'. As already mentioned, this was easily the hardest half mile climb I have ever done and, although I didn't walk, it was a close run thing. If you have never tried to ride a bike with 35lbs of crap strapped to the back up a 26% slope you haven't lived.

After that it was just up and down all day, including a 7 mile climb in the afternoon sun which, by the way, has found an even bigger hat.

We ended the day on 85 miles and fell into the first place offering a bed for the night. Cat lovers will be pleased to know that there will be no swinging of cats tonight! We are in Praia A Mare, about where the sock would disappear into the shoe. It is very weird to be riding in weather that is better than the best of British but for everywhere to be closed or closing for winter. We even see people wearing coats…. Today was probably around 90f!!!

The photo is of Alan demolishing a gelato with about 17 miles to go. Guess what? They were hilly.